We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
