i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
