I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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