Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
