I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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