ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
