Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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