when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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