I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
