My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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