Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
