True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
