I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
