so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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