dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
