our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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