Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
