who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
