I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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