Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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