They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
