found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
