I wish my penis had an off switch
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
