now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
