Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
