If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
