I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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