just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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