I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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