My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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