And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
