omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
