I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
