My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
