i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
