chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
