I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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