Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
