he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
