Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
