someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
