why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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