well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
