there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
