your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
