Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
