bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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