I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I love having hate sex.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
