this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
