im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
