Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
