We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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