Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
