you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
