i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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