I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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