I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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