Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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