I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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