You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
