yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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