I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
