You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
